ADBC: 49 – All I Am Saying, Is Give Life A Chance

Here’s the premise of the conversation.

Previously in the conversation: Blessed are those who read carefully at least twice to reach a considered perspective. With such a blessed approach you’ll see Hesediah give a very intriguing approach to the afterlife. If you’re going to answer the question seriously, you got to take the kind of approach that my brother takes. Not saying you’ll reach the same conclusion, but at least you’d have done justice to explore the question thoroughly as he does. What makes for good conversation are points and approaches that stimulate a reaction. That’s exactly what you’ll get when you read what he says about the quest for truth. From an evocative personal point to support his position, he does a great job outlining how he reaches his current place on the matter. You will read it and salute the approach, once more, even if it’s not your own. There’s this bit that he does in responding to the matter of honouring parents that should allow all of us to stop for a moment and think about it ourselves in terms of the basis that we hold and the reasons that we could hold. Incisive writing that is worthy of your time. Do so by clicking here, recommend it to a friend of yours and be glad to have done right by this brilliant writer.

I know he relishes the bit where he has questions for me. Whether he’s fresh or tired, whether he’s alert or just glad to have finished writing, I can tell by the nature of his questions that he loves asking me them. Especially because of the brain work they’ll require. Will I be ready for it on this occasion?  Here goes:

Q – It is the act of trying to make things safe that ends up crippling development. It’s through trying and failing that one learns. Has protectionism been a factor in crippling the maturity of many individuals in society? Explain your answer. If you think it has, do you see the link between societal immaturity and feminism or the over-reverence of the feminine?

You know where I’m going first. Trying. You know my policy about the concept of trying, but to remind you, feel free to read it here. While I’m there, though, two statements are made in a rather matter-of-fact way as though they’re to be accepted, that I just want to offer some nuance.

Statement one – “make things safe … ends up crippling development”. Development is crippled for several reasons. One of those reasons can be the effort to make things safe but that’s not always the case. Sometimes making things safe enhances development.

Statement two – “failing … one learns”. Nope. That’s not a given. Even if we set aside what is meant by the concept of learning, failing can embed in people an aptitude for failure.

Remember, though, I’m endeavouring to offer some nuance in my engagement with the question. Let’s address the central core of this question and that’s about protectionism and the maturity of individuals in society. Allow me to approach it from the perspective of how do individuals in society mature? And in answering that I will exercise the liberty that you give me to define maturity. Maturity is a state of enhanced emotional and intellectual development (I’d obviously add spiritual to that). It’s a matter of a character that’s composed and considered to respond to situations with the appropriate amount of knowledge, understanding and wisdom.

In this definition of maturity, we can address the issue of how maturity is gained. Experience in itself is no guarantee of maturity. Indeed many individuals in society are advanced in years and have accumulated an extensive amount of experience but could not be considered to be mature. Thus, it is both about the type of experience and the response to that experience and its application to future pursuits and exploits that determines if maturity has truly taken place.

Allow me to likewise define protectionism based on the context of the question – feel free to correct me if I’m wrong. On this understanding, protectionism is the habit of doing whatever is possible to eliminate, avoid and/or otherwise limit the likelihood of harm in an endeavour. If I read it correctly, this is the sort of approach that only lets a child ride a bike when they’ve had comfort with the stabilisers and only if the bicycle riding is on soft padding and the child is unlikely to hurt themselves if they call. If you apply those kinds of concerns and procedures on a larger scale, that might explain some people’s approach to things. Just as it can kinda be seen in the whole approach to being offended where there’s a great rush to protect people who could be offended by making being offended … a criminal offence. (The quips write themselves, honestly, sometimes I don’t even have to … I was gonna say “try”, but wisdom gave me the right word which is “put in the effort”. GRIN.)

Here’s a potential problem with protectionism, which is often experienced, that can indeed explain the lack of maturity among many in society. Protectionism can inhibit. It can prevent expansion. You’re told where the borders are, you’re told not to go beyond them. You’re told to only lay in the safety pen, but you become adjusted to only looking for what is safe and comfortable. You establish the confines of what is safe for you and you dare not go any further or allow anything else in because it could cause discomfort and possible harm and that is a total no-no. That approach, however, can be very limiting and it doesn’t lend itself to growth, change and processing things that can lead to the maturity described. For example, if all I ever hear are people who agree with my viewpoint in case those from others will offend me or hurt me or confuse me or seriously challenge what I believe, then I won’t know about characteristics of maturity like persistence, grace and patience.

Having addressed that part of your question to the best of my ability at this point in time, let’s consider the intriguing matter of the possible connection between societal immaturity and feminism or the over-indulgence of the feminine. At this point, I’ll put forward something and if I’ve not understood you properly, I’m open to you correcting me so that I will engage with the matter appropriately.

There is a picture of the feminine and the maternal that lends itself well to protectionism. There is a picture of the bravado of masculinity that looks to break new ground, expand and risk everything in the exploration of what is and what could be. This is tempered by the feminine/maternal picture. That picture, in its extreme, puts the ills of society down to a lack of protectionism. Thus the rush to ban this, that and the other, the desire to avoid offence and somewhat be mollycoddled can be associated with that over-indulgence of the feminine picture. The father has no problem seeing his son scrape his knee when he falls off the bike because he believes it’s the only way his son will learn to ride the bike and then have the bravery to take more risks going forward. Meanwhile, the mother is concerned when she hears him cry after falling and wonders why there isn’t more in place to protect him.

Remember, dear reader, I did say a picture of the feminine. It is a dimension. It’s not the totality. And also we’re addressing what happens with the over-indulgence in that picture. What emerges from that is a very dependent and entitled populace that is unlikely to truly mature because they have at their disposal all of the safety valves to ensure they don’t have to risk, they don’t have to fight, they don’t have to suffer that much.

Note, too, that I’ve said indulgence rather than reverence. I find the reverence of the feminine in modern society to be highly nauseating and disturbing. It certainly hampers the approach to maturity. It stymies and suffocates to the point where people don’t even realise they’re not growing anymore. They seem to think it’s a good thing to offer such veneration and reverence because of its convenient place to repudiate the alternative.

It’s typical of the human tendency to not pursue the path of wisdom but to veer to the left or to the right to idolise machismo masculinity to the brutality of others, or the fawning over the wonder-mother figure which softens people to the point of irrelevance.

There is a path of wisdom available that can take us on the journey to maturity. That path is not assured to be without pain or challenge. That path is not about prioritising and preferring the warm embrace of protectionism. That path is not about being reckless and foolishly hunting down progress at the cost of relating and caring for others.

That path offers the benefits of appreciating the good parts of the masculine and feminine and subjecting both to the knowledge of God.

Q – How would you attempt to convince someone not to give up on life? Or what reasons would you proffer to keep on living?

Stevie Wonder is probably my favourite singer/songwriter/musician. He has a song I love to listen to called Smile Please. A lot of the lyrical content might be considered by some to be cheesy and superficial. I choose not to adopt that approach. The encouragement to smile is based on an optimistic proposal that there are brighter days ahead. That is a great definition of the term, “hope”. It is hope that makes life have the drive to carry on. I appreciate, however, that it is quite the challenge to lay on someone. How can I say there are brighter days ahead? How do I know? What do I mean?

First, I am not even stating that the brighter days ahead mean that problems will be peacefully resolved and people will emerge in a much better position than they were in at the start. The nature of my hope is fundamentally based on the faith I have in God. God created humanity with an idea of how humanity should exist. The same God who communicates His pattern and preference for life in Scriptures, through people, in episodes that featured some whose ends were grisly and whose existence was very unpleasant to offer a bid for understatement of the century. Yet these people kept on living as long as they could because of the hope they found in God. Not just the hope, but lots more about His character, His plan and His will for humanity. Recognising what that will is and how the plan unfolds allows us to be very realistic about the tendencies of humanity, but of the overwhelming supremacy of God and how He wins in the end. Not only is there winning at the end but there are also hints at the big win through relationships that grow in knowing Him and that in itself is a beautiful, enriching and empowering truth in itself that makes life worth living.

Getting to know God and applying the lessons to how to make the most of life can provide a compelling reason for someone not to give up on life. To be honest, beyond God I don’t really find that many compelling reasons to keep on living. And to a degree what I see people around me doing is a lot of things – they’re existing, they’re surviving, they’re getting along, they’re doing the best they can, they’re coping – but few living – that is, enjoying the fullness of life available from God that doesn’t require material security or receiving the acclaim of peers.

The reasons often proffered I find to be largely insubstantial. For example – you should keep living because people are depending on you. Well, that puts your hands in a very uncertain enterprise. And even people are depending on you, that means you’re literally alive for others and that’s a faulty position because there is an element of either the tendency to pride or the danger of being bent to the needs of others that is not fulfilling and is, again, more about other people than it is about what life is all about and can be. There’s the reason to live because you’ve got so much to live for – and that’s wildly speculative and vague. What is there to live for? Causes? Projects? All of those can be very temporal and deeply unsatisfying.

Everything comes back round to God for me. Discover God, get to understand Him and see why He allowed you to live to even engage in that conversation. When God is the reason to live, then you rely on the eternal, faithful and trustworthy source Who should know the meaning of life, seeing as though He created it. As a hymn would put it, all other ground is sinking sand.

Q – To heal properly and move forward, one must forgive others and forgive oneself and let go of the pain, hatred and offence one holds. Is this true? If it’s true, build a case to prove it. If it’s not true, then what are the flaws in the position?

Lovely question. I’m gonna take my time.

Heal properly and move forward. What does being healed properly mean and where are we moving towards? You’d agree that definition is going to help with our answer to the question. Then of course there’s this marvellous phrase of ‘forgive others and forgive oneself’. That’s worth considering. What I’m essentially saying is that we need to break it all down, before we see if we need to build it all back up.

First thing – and I believe the most important thing, is that phrase – move forward. As mentioned in a previous question, I’d like to believe that we’re moving forward towards developing, attaining and encouraging mature living. As you might appreciate, the nature of mature living, I find rooted in God and His definition of what life is all about. This, also, indicates what it is to be healed properly. I put it to you, that to be healed properly is to reach a place of resolution within yourself that enables the maturing process to take place.

Having established that – even before we touch on the forgiveness bit, let’s look at the call to let go of pain, hatred and offence. I have a mentality that I put down to what I observed in my Dad. That mentality was best expressed when it came to the matter of worry. Dad always wondered “why worry?” It’s a great question and one that I’ve yet to find anyone offer a legitimately compelling response to.

Let’s apply the mentality to the matter of “holding on” to hurts, hatred and other hang-ups. I don’t think it’s necessary to forget the hurts and the hatred. I think it’s necessary to reach an understanding of how they’re to be remembered and the purpose they have in the quest for maturity. Does the pain propel the pursuit of peace – which I believe to be an important characteristic of the mature? Does the hatred support the quest to be merciful – which I believe is also another important characteristic of the mature? Does the matter on which you’re offended comply with an approach to righteousness that still enables a clear and pure relationship with God?

I don’t think bitterness is consistent with a mature person. If there is bitterness towards someone and associated negative regard, it makes it very difficult to truly pray for them and look to help them in a manner reflecting the mature person. Don’t misunderstand me, justice demands at times that people get the proper recompense for their misdeeds. That is the execution of justice and it is not enhanced by bitter and vengeful sentiments.

What I propose in answering this question is that a standard is set even as the goal is established about where we’re moving on to and what real wholeness means.

We conclude with the matter of forgiveness. Forgive others. Forgive yourself. Easier said than done. There are quite a number of traumatic experiences that we can go through and some of those traumas can be down to the actions of others whether intentional or unintentional. Such can be the effect of those traumas that it would be very difficult indeed to forgive. Some go as far as to suggest that people should “forgive and forget”, but I’m not convinced that this is the mature response either. The nature of forgiveness at least resolves something in you so that a perpetrator/wrong-doer need not take up space in your heart in that vengeful or otherwise bitter way. A way I am suggesting is unhelpful on the journey to maturity.

Let’s consider the forgive oneself bit. Some people can have a hang-up with themselves because of flaws, faults and failings. Significant enough to hinder and handicap them from others making progress to that place of maturity. The business of forgiving oneself has got to be more about gaining a healthy and humble perspective on oneself. A perspective that acknowledges the capacity for great wickedness and thus a dependence on God to steer clear from that and likewise avoid the morose, inhibitive, self-absorbed feelings of inadequacy that can plague us which again takes our attention away from God who establishes the standard of maturity and offers the path of wisdom to reach it. If you want to call that “forgiving oneself” then sure go with that. Why I’m reluctant to do so – and it is just a personal thing, not a grand conceptual challenge – is that I find the concept of “forgiving oneself” odd. I prefer agreeing with God that He’s forgiven me – if indeed He has because I’ve followed what He required of me. If I do that, then it’s in my best interests to agree with how He sees me, rather than get hung up on whatever it is I see about me. Also, there’s the small issue of where the instruction to forgive oneself is – it’s got the seeds of again being self-absorbed. As I said that’s just a personal thing. If you wanna forgive yourself, don’t let me stop you.

Forgiving others is healthy on the path to maturity because it doesn’t as much “let them off the hook” as it takes the issue from them being judged by you, to them being judged by God. If they remain unrepentant, if they’re unapologetic, if they persist with the offensive behaviour – all of that – you can pursue what makes for justice if you want, however you can, but you can do so with a mentality of doing what’s right in God’s sight rather than being consumed with yourself. Consumed with the hatred, bitterness and nastiness that can veer into dehumanising the one you’ve been hurt by to justify further unhealthy perspectives and approaches to them.

Note carefully, again, the issue of what it is to be healed. To be healed in some way acknowledges that brokenness has happened or hurt to some degree. There is the healing on the outside, but it’s the healing on the inside that’s just as important. The heart, the mind, the seat of the emotions and the will is a place that can steer life in a constructive way or a destructive one. Healing takes place when we’re honest about what needs to be healed, we’re humble to look for the right source for the healing and we’re hopeful that a journey to health is possible even as it’s defined by the God who created us. We need healing because we’ve been hurt. We need healing because we recognise an area of brokenness that, I’d like to think, we don’t want to remain if it can be resolved. We need healing in the knowledge that this will help us on the path to maturity.

My main point is that whatever complies with the definition of the goal we desire to reach and what that says about our relationship with God and others is what we should look at. If forgiving and letting go fits that, we should go with it. The deal is that we know what we’re doing, why we’re doing it and getting the help where necessary to do it for the greater goal that lies ahead.

---

This is the 49th episode of the conversation series on my part. This means, you too are to post your 49th episode should God grant you life and opportunity. That’s quite the collection of conversations online and in that time you’ve been remarkably consistent in asking searching questions. Just like this set. It’s a pleasure to apply my mind and fingers to writing responses. Many thanks for that, bro.

Here are some questions for you:

Q – Do you believe the book of Genesis gives the creation account we should trust? If so, why? If not, why not? Are the origins of man and physical nature important? Please explain your answer.

Q – “Life is just a game you play and there are no winners.” How would you engage with this approach to life? Explain your response, please.

Q – What song would you currently like to play an instrument on as a cover and why? What instrument would you use and why?

I look forward to your answers to these questions. And I also look forward to what is scheduled for after that dear Hesediah. (Wink.) Thanks for your time.

For His Name’s Sake

Shalom

C. L. J. Dryden