ADBC: 11 – Dad

This is another entry in the ongoing blog conversation with my admirable brother, David. Here’s the premise.

Previously in the conversation: Way back in the old century, when I worked for the Civil Service, my line manager introduced me to working lunches. I say working lunches, I really mean, he was the first work colleague to treat me to lunch and lunch with style. I had never experienced it before, having the ability to choose what I want and enjoy what was prepared, it was delightful. You’re rightly wondering, what on earth does that have to do with what’s been going on in the blog conversation. When I read what David wrote, it reminded me of those sumptuous lunches. A real feast getting five positive things from his life, how to assess news media appropriately and the masterpiece on Black History Month. Have a read, enjoy it and appreciate the measure with which it’s put together. Go on. You’ll be glad you did.

Splendid. David does not let me down with the quality of queries and so I know I have to brace myself and go into rigorous training to have a go at these questions:

Q – Our father, do you think he was a good dad or a bad dad? What were his accomplishments and failings in terms of his character and manner? Did you learn anything from him that you carry with you today?

The lyric in Marvin Gaye’s tune asks his father not to escalate seeing as though war is not the answer for only love can conquer hate. Which is a lovely sentiment and not understood. In any case, Gaye reportedly had a somewhat troubled relationship with the man who brought him into the world and certainly took him out of it. Of the many things that could be said about our Dad, he wasn’t that. Of course, he’s not in a position to take us out anyway, seeing as though he’s no longer on this plane of existence.

Your question is a deep one and some might consider it to be personal to the point of privately personal. Thankfully there’s enough for me to address here without giving away points that would endanger family security (in the same way that governments keep secrets for national security.) Our Dad was a good Dad. I say that based on my understanding of what makes a good Dad and relating that to my recollection of how Dad treated us.

A good follow up to that would be what makes a good Dad as it fits our Dad. A good Dad is patient with his children, a good Dad endeavour to relate to his children, a good Dad displays a role model of manhood worthy of considering, a good Dad looks to provide for his family. Our Dad fits that criteria.

Onto the issue of accomplishments and failings in manner and character. I’ve referred to some of his accomplishments in terms of his patience. Dad was committed to learning at his own pace. Many a time I recall heading to bed for the night and seeing our parents’ bedroom with the lights on and Dad seated in the chair taking his time reading. That was a great example to me and I felt it had a tremendous influence on all his children when it came to their approach to studying. Dad’s calm and considerate approach was a tremendous part of his character. Others would stress out and get anxious, and it did not perturb Dad. He operated on the principle that if he could do something he would and if he couldn’t do anything about it there was no point in worrying about it. Dad was not verbose, he didn’t need to be. I am not suggesting that he was the great wise sage of all time, but more often than not what he said was measured, purposeful and sound. Dad was great at knowing how to apply discipline. I don’t recall being afraid of Dad … but I would certainly be afraid once I had transgressed (and got caught obviously). Dad never applied discipline out of anger. My recollection of him was explaining what he was going to do before he did it. It was not abuse to me. He knew when to stop both in the application at the time and then as we got older.

So that paints a picture of a flawless man. Dad was not a flawless man.  Failings? It’s interesting to assess the failings of my Dad, interesting in the sense that’s criticising my Dad which is a little baffling to me. but Dad was not flawless. Dad accepted the status quo where it needed to be challenged. Dad’s approach saw others progress at his own cost. I think it’s a fair criticism of Dad that he never depicted what it was to be ambitious and go to grow better and better. He was content for sure and never envious or covetous, but at the same time, he wasn’t that role model for how to progress from one stage to another. Did Dad really guide and direct us when it came to the challenges that would face us as men? To some degree, he did and by no means am I saying that I should expect all the information to be given to me, but I don’t recall Dad being that kind of guide in terms of the many challenges that would face me as a man from matters of sexuality to relationship challenges. He definitely did the whole thing of going by example, but even there … it wasn’t an outstanding way of leaving an impression.

To be fair, those are not the greatest failings in a man, because Dad was not a failure as a man.

My idea of being a Dad is rooted a lot in the example I remember from Dad. I don’t think I’m a replica of him at all, but I look to follow his calm and considerate manner. I know that Dad left a massive impact on me in terms of being a father. I’ve reproved myself whenever I did something out of anger because I saw a good example of how not to do that and it’s not to say that I never saw Dad angry, it’s just that I never saw him act out of anger.

Q – When you pass from this life, what do you want to leave behind for your family?

That’s an interesting question. I want to leave something with my family that is worthwhile. I know there’s the argument about money and property and there’s worth there to be sure. But I’d much rather leave behind a bank of wisdom that would benefit them to make the most of their lives. Wisdom lived, wisdom taught and wisdom written.

Q – Do you sense any difference between blacks and whites and other races? Is it easy to quantify or put in words? I ask this because I find it strange that I normally tell the difference between the way different races talk, even if they are fluent in English, even if they are second or third generation in this country.

I do like it when I hear the tone, cadence and timbre of someone’s voice and make an accurate guess as to their skin tone, which goes some way to answering your question. That’s a superficial difference, though. In terms of character, personality traits and that ever so big word – culture – I think that’s more about the tribe rather than the skin tone.

I mean even writing those words blacks and whites as races as if they’re a homogenous whole makes me shrug my shoulders and roll my eyes. I’ve observed black people from different parts of the continent of Africa with significant differences. I’ve observed the interaction of those from Caribbean islands with significant differences. Let alone the whole thing of white folks from Australia, England, South Africa and the USA with significant differences and not even touching on differences from white folks from within the same country.

Have I wandered far from the point that you’re making with this question?

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Those are the questions for me, here are the questions for you:

Q – What does it mean to do something wholeheartedly? When was the last time you experienced doing something or observing being done wholeheartedly? Is this quality important to the human experience? Give an explanation for your answer. 

Q – What five pieces of advice would you give to a young man who has finished compulsory education and is looking for guidance to making the most of his life?

Q – If you could have a meal with four other people (from all of history), which four people would you choose to have that meal with and why?

In the meantime, thanks for this opportunity dear brother.

For His Name’s Sake

Shalom

C. L. J. Dryden