In recent times things have been a little busy for me. Family life is still the priority for me and that expresses itself in different ways. Paid work takes its time, then there are other responsibilities that demand my attention.
In it all it can be easy to feel overwhelmed and then I remember.
There have been times in my life where I was too busy for God thinking I was doing everything for Him. There was something in me that made me feel like I was never doing enough and wasn’t good enough, so I had to keep busy. My worth was found in doing, as long as I was doing everything else was kept at arms length.
So God broke me.
“No He didn’t. He wouldn’t do that. He’s a loving and kind God. You did it to yourself. You messed up. Don’t go blaming my loving God for your mess!”
I hear you. I really do and maybe a lot earlier in my journey I would have agreed with you. I know, however, that if He didn’t break me, I would be in a pattern of pity and despair with that same drive to keep on doing and doing and doing without paying any attention to the relationship that gave me the means to do.
In His compassion and mercy, God broke me.
In doing so as my life fell to pieces I lashed out at everything that defined me as they were snatched away from me. I lashed out to God for being so cruel in taking from me what I felt I needed both externally and internally. How could He? What was I supposed to do now?
From that broken man, He taught me again how to relate to Him. Not out of routine and rote approaches, but out of a heart that longs for Him alone. And long for Him in a way that wasn’t based primarily on what He could do for me or what I could get out of Him, but just in appreciating Him for who He reveals Himself to be. Finding a hunger, passion and desire for Him. Seeing again that my life is not based on the fundamental of earthly food, but on nourishing on what God says.
That is not a quick process. It’s also one that is played out as life begins to get reconstructed again. The deal is to remember how things got broken and in being moulded what shape I am to take. Restoration is not necessarily in the shape I was in formerly. Indeed in the light of the breaking, the newly moulded form is much more sensitive to its fragility and dependency on the One doing the moulding.
Recently I got bogged down with a gnawing situation. I asked my wife to pray for me (please remember her in your prayers, she really has to deal with a lot). A result of that prayer was a reminder that everything I do is sourced in His commitment to finish the good work He started in me. If that requires further breaking and moulding, I have to be up for that, because just doing things isn’t the heart of the relationship. Many will tell Him they did things for Him, but He didn’t know them. My heart’s desire is not just to make Him known, but to do so from an ongoing and ever growing place of knowing Him.
It’s also a word of encouragement for you if you’re going through some breaking. Yes, it hurts. Yes, it doesn’t feel good or right at times. That’s all the more reason to trust Him – you are His work of art, the moulding process, with your active engagement can be as good as He always wanted it to be. Trust Him, He knows what He is doing.
For His Name’s Sake
C. L. J. Dryden