Why did I do it? At first it was out of a sense of desperation. To me I felt that I needed it and as I couldn’t get it having gone through the proper channels, I felt it was the only way to get it.
I have got to confess, sometimes I wouldn’t go through the proper procedures because of a fear of what the answer would be. Having ‘got away with it’ before, I took the risk to do it again. Once I did it for a couple of times, the thrill of looking to do it made it something I did without really thinking about the consequences of it. It did not become an addiction, but it became something of convenience for me. If the proper methods couldn’t get it for me, then I would have to pursue other means. It wasn’t even if I needed it. The situation became if I had the desire and could go through it and ‘get away with it’, then I would do it.
I haven’t been the quickest in all areas of my life and my conscience did not put pressure on me to stop. It was only when I discovered the hurt it caused that I began to see why I shouldn’t have done it in the first place. I saw the hurt look in his eyes. He never shouted, he didn’t threaten any form of physical punishment, there was something that said in what I did I had hurt him. As it turned out, however, not only had I hurt him, I had hurt myself. Whatever temporary pleasure I gained was soon replaced with the pain of the hurt, the loss, the devaluing of myself through devaluing someone else.
There’s nothing that can effectively heal that without confession and repentance. Repentance is usually through actively making amends, taking the necessary steps to make right wherever possible.
Such experiences leave me in a position to somewhat relate with those who don’t listen to their conscience about such things. I can relate with the thrill, with the urge, with the desperation and then the drill of looking to ‘get away with it’ as long as you can. I don’t condone it, but I can relate to it. I know it’s not simple to just say stop it. Legislation and punishment does not do much to change the heart, either. Change, however, is possible. It’s possible through the change to the heart that comes when there’s a true discovery of the hurt.
The thing about it is, it does not have to be the case that it’s never yours when it’s ours. When you are a part of a community where it is ours, there’s something that can penetrate the hardest heart to stop a desire to want to hoard it. Further still when that community embraces you and you realise that they are much a part of you as your bodily features there is no desire to cause pain because it would be hurting you more than anyone. The end result of that pain can be terminal. There is hope – change can take place.
That which hurt can be the start of the healing process that extends beyond the self.
For His Name’s Sake
C. L. J. Dryden